Brene Brown states; Guilt is “I did something bad”, Shame is “I am bad”. Perfectionism comes from the shame. It is one of our greatest barriers, and also one of our most dangerous defense mechanisms. When striving for perfectionism, there is this side that comes with is, that says if you do it all, perfectly, you create a world where you avoid feeling judged, failure, blame.. etc. You get the picture. It seems like it’s protecting us, but it actually prevents us from being seen (common thread here).

Growing up with someone who has wishy washy expectations, who gas lights your experience, is unpredictable and emotionally unregulated… You learn to strive for perfectionism, and its really grilled into your system 24/7 as a child, and when you practice this, even unconsciously, it becomes apart of you forever. You try so hard to actually fit the mold they are seeking, so that you don’t continue to get hurt. You hope, that if you are good enough, and strive for this “perfect” version of yourself for them- they will accept you as you are, and love you more. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting. Wow. That was unexpected. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting. Which is something I’ve been carrying since I was a child. How sad.

When I wrote that, my jaw unclenched just a little bit. I have been really performing, and trying to be something that there is no-end in site. Like creating this level of perfectionism that doesn’t exist.

I actually worked on this a lot with my relationship with food, and my body. In losing weight, I realized that I was working towards something that I didn’t actually understand. The expectations in society for the identified perfect body is, definable in some retrospect (I guess), but that changes almost to the person, to the right person. So when you internalize it, there is no end in sight. Unless you are happy with yourself and where you are at, you will always be searching to be different.

In other parts of my life-I am starting to see it’s still around, it’s still engrained into my cells, twisted like little protectors clenching my muscles. I feel it when stress comes more often, I feel it when I am being criticized, I feel it when things are hard, I feel it when I let myself down. I have fibromyalgia because of the trauma and stress of trying to be perfect my whole life. I write that holding back tears. WHAT THE ACTUAL.

I have no words right now, other than this is something I need to think about more, and how to undo it.

Thanks for listening.