Vulnerability

Abusive asshole.

Posted on by Rachael

The person I’ve become hasn’t been someone I’ve wanted to be.

After talking with my counselor nearly two weeks ago, I uncovered this idea about how I’ve been in this abusive relationship with food, for 20 goddamn years! She encouraged me to look at abusive relationships, and break it down into categories. She sent me home with a sheet of paper that had different categories on it and what makes up an abusive relationships?

I have been wanting to explore these anyway so it was a perfect opportunity to do so. These categories are Psychological, Emotional, Physical, and the Illusion of being something different. After a few bubble baths, tears, and intense writing later I came up with a lot more than I even imagined I would.

I will first write what I discovered and conclude with the bigger picture of what came out of this exercise.

Psychologically my relationship with food has been abusive because….

  • My weight feels like i’m different from others, and not in a good way.
  • I will compare myself to others.
  • It brings out jealousy of what others have, because what others have is always better than what I have.
  • I constantly second guess myself.
  • Isolate myself from others.
  • Compares my body to others, not just weight, the whole picture.

Emotionally my relationship with food has been abusive because…

  • It makes me think negative things about myself: That I’m fat, ugly, heavy, boar.
  • The negative reel runs through my brain without permission.
  • Trained to want what others have.
  • Trained to think no one will like me unless I’m something else.
  • To feel sad or depressed, anxious.
  • Need to feel and be perfect.
  • Afraid to make mistakes.

Physically my relationship with food has been abusive because…

  • It stretches my skin.
  • Makes me feel bloated.
  • I pick my skin…
  • I have scars over my body from picking my skin.
  • History of internal damage.
  • Heartburn.
  • Stomach hurts.
  • Gas.
  • Clothes don’t fit.
  • Grind my teeth consciously and unconsciously.
  • Face hurts.
  • Shoulders hurt from tensing up.
  • Keeps me fat to disappear.
  • Punishes myself.

Illusion of what food has brought:

  • It’s great.
  • Brings light and friendship.
  • Feels safe.
  • Fills anxiety.
  • Comfortable
  • I know what to expect from it.
  • Makes me feel safe when I don’t know what else to do.
  • Becomes inviting and warm.
  • Familiar.
  • Happy.
  • Feeling of relief when eating it.

After crying in a bath of my own tears, I realized that not only are these things connected to food, but they were developed into a part of me. Into a personality trait I hadn’t expected to uncover. I have developed this twisted persona inside that was full of jealousy and judgement. I wanted to be or have what others have and if I couldn’t control it, I would react in a negative way. Coping through controlling things around me, mostly coping through food addiction. I realized this piece through re-visiting all of the past years negative interactions with my friends.

I had several friends this past year who had shared with me positive things that were happening in their lives. My reactions were less than ideal, and pretty bitchy. I pretty much almost ruined a friendship after reacting the way I did when a friend told me she was getting married. I’m actually fairly embarrassed of my behavior and after reflecting on these incidences I realized how judgmental and jealous I had acted. I wanted whatever they had. Weather it was they were getting married, or they bought a new car. I wanted the romance, I wanted the money, and I thought that it would make me happy, because it had made them happy.

The person I had become has been selfish, unhappy and overly judgmental.

I have become everything I never wanted to be. A selfish asshole, blaming others and things and really myself and body for my unhappiness.

I never thought I would or could ever be like him. I never thought that I could do that or that he would have that much of an impact on me. It wasn’t my fault. I was just a child. A child who absorbed everything. A child that didn’t have control over her surroundings, a child that didn’t have control and found a way to cope and gain some control in a world where she had none. As an adult I’ve continued this.

With that said, it’s hard to accept this dysfunctional self I created. I spent a week, laying in unhappiness, and watching tv. Letting my body melt into the couch. I came to a point of “welp, this is who I am, and have to accept it.” Using this, “lashing out at my friends” has been a coping mechanism in addition food which has been a form of punishment. Food in this case has become a pawn and used as an excuse to not improve and move forward. It is used in a way to cope, and to fulfill and ease pain, joy and used to bond with people or to hide from bonding with people.
So friends, hang in there with me. I am happy for you, just show it in really dysfunctional ways. More to come. 

The Power of Vulnerability

Posted on by Rachael

If you haven’t read anything about vulnerability, by Brene’ Brown, you really should. She has a Ted Talk about vulnerability… actually let me just do you a favor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

Watching her years ago, and then followed by reading her book Daring Greatly, followed up by gobbling more of what she has to offer… I really learned a lot. I learned more than I was even really ready for. She taught me the importance of bringing up the hard things, because if you didn’t that they would continue to stew and bubble over. She also taught me to embrace some of my most vulnerable moments of my life. I encourage you to watch that video if you haven’t, because then you will really understand what I mean.

I held on to this and started to really make incredible strides. I am most vulnerable when talking about my body, or my food, food addiction, eating disorders and WHY. Bouncing off of my previous blog post I needed to practice talking about these things.

I had worked out, and been through several weight loss and gains. People had seen my vulnerability in that retrospect. They’ve seen me struggle. But they didn’t really know internally what was going on. People might assume “it’s so easy to lose weight, just eat sensible meals, good nutrition and work out.”.  Yes thank you, thank you for stating the obvious. Most people, all people know this. We know that is a way to lose weight.

With that said, they don’t see the inner struggle that happens. The years and years of built up habits and patterns, ridicule, positive and negative reinforcement. We have to heal our inner selves sometimes in-order to move forward, sometimes it takes longer to heal than we realize. People also might make the assumption that you are not already doing something or trying to work on these things, or that you don’t eat right.

Regardless, talking about my weight, talking about the food struggle, and my body, and all of the things about why has been one of the most vulnerable places for me to talk about. Not many people do talk about food, or weight or whatever and when they do it can be so shaming. When I do talk about it, most people cannot relate because they do not understand the cycle.

Talking about the struggle has been hard, reaching out for help was harder. One of the hardest and easiest things I had to do was normalize the conversation. I had to make it something that I was comfortable talking about. How do you do this??? PRACTICE! I always knew I struggled with food addiction/binge eating/emotional eating. On my own I went to a few OEA (over eaters anonyms) meetings when I was in my early 20’s. Once in a while I went to online ones, or reached out to people on line. I also went to a few in my mid 20’s, and saw a counselor for a while (for other things). I reached out to a friend, who I knew went to OEA and I didn’t get a response. I went to another OEA meeting by myself. Which took so much courage, and I cried when I got there because I was late, and I couldn’t get into the meeting because I didn’t know which door it was, and then after words no one reached out to me. I felt so alone, and so vulnerable for showing up. I never went to another meeting again.

And… then I reached out to my mom. I was so nervous. I was scared because I never told her of my true struggle with food before. I was 28, just about 29. Right before I started at the weight loss clinic. She was surprised and helped me find Solutions weight loss clinic.

I started really talking about it at 29. I didn’t go to another OEA meeting, because my experience wasn’t that great. But I did join some Facebook groups that were about food addiction that were really helpful apart of my journey. I was able to connect with others, talk about our experiences and move forward while losing weight at the clinic. I talked to the ladies at the weight loss clinic and partook in their weekly self reflection tools. I lost a lot of weight really fast, and I’m not saying I was successful or had failed. I just know that as a long term solution, the weight loss clinic wasn’t going to help my emotional side.

What I’ve really wanted to share with you has been my newest vulnerable topic. I have talked a lot about inclusion out loud with people, and the importance of it. I have talked about judgment, assumptions and the negative repercussions of them.  I preach it so much because of how deeply rooted my own need for self inclusion and acceptance is. I started to realize the other day how much grief and anxiety I was carrying because of my own self image and what people (may or may not) talk about.

I worry so much about gossip, and what people say, or don’t say even to me. I worry about how I interact with the world, if I offend anyone, or make them uncomfortable. I worry if people don’t like me, or if I’m not doing something right. At therapy this past week I realized how deeply I carry this, and I realized that no matter where I go, or how much I overcome my past, that my childhood may always play a part in my life, and the grief is more present than I’ve realized.

Not to bring on a pity party or anything but imagine a child from birth, always walking on eggshells because of someone else, always trying to please so that someone isn’t yelling. This piece is a whole other blog post, may even be a whole other topic even, but none the less it’s real. I grew up in this space. A developing child living in these anxieties, now in the world functioning under anxiety and this idea that people are judging her for something she may or may not be doing. This is me right now. I don’t live like this every day, or all the time even, but it sometimes prevents me from making new friends, or partaking in activities. It sucks how the past can play such a huge role in your present and future. It’s so sneaky too.

Talking about this is hard. When I first started talking about my struggles, I felt easily judged. I felt scared, and fearful of what people would say, or not say about me. Though the more I uncover about myself in this process, and share with you, the less likely you will make assumptions about me. If I’m being authentic and sharing these vulnerabilities, it leaves less room for you to make the assumptions.

I also think it’s important to turn my experience into an opportunity. An opportunity for me to grow from myself and others, an opportunity to educate others and challenge peoples assumptions. Maybe it’s also an opportunity to challenge myself and my own assumptions about food and my capabilities in this world.

Before I sign off for the day, I wanted you to know that I re-watched Brene’s Ted talk and realized why I started this self journey in the first place. When I overcome my fears, I will be living my true authentic self. I will be doing and living in a space I love every day because I will have overcome some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to overcome and put in the work to get there.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path” Brene’ Brown

“When we work from a place “I believe I’m enough”, we stop screaming and start listening; we are kinder and gentler to the people around us and ourselves.” –Brene’ Brown.