Short thoughts:

There was an anti-inflammatory nutrition class offered this past weekend and I went to it. The class itself scared me into wanting to drink more water. It also makes me want to take a larger scale nutrition class. I think with my new mindset, I might be more receptive to it.

When I showed up, I saw someone I had met once before though in a different context. She was my current partner’s ex girlfriends sister. I’m not going to give out any real information, more or less an interaction that we had. After I sat down, she stated she had some health problems and she needed to find new avenues and that’s why she was there. For some reason, I didn’t feel the need to tell her why I was there, also there wasn’t really an opportunity to share this information. I just found it interesting, that being in this space, in the nutrition class, we need to validate our presence.

I was there for more complicated reasons, and I didn’t feel the need to share, or validate why I was there. When it came down to it, I was asked to go, and I felt like I needed to be there. I mean, I’m re-learning how to eat, and take care of my body.

Things I learned: New recipes, malnourished cells vs nourished cells, ways to incorporate turmeric into different dishes, that most of the nutritional value of veggies are in the skin, and also… prepping and more in line with the patience of prepping.

Today

I went to a quarterly, or bi yearly all staff meeting, today. You know the ones, 100+ people in the room, participating in trainings, ice breakers etc. 

I write about it today because I’ve worked in 3 different areas of my organization. Some of the people, actually most of them have seen me at my heaviest, and they have seen me at my lightest and TODAY I walked in 30lbs heavier than my lightest.

What does this mean? Well nothing other than that really. My obsession with it, probably means more than anything. But it feels awful walking into a room with this expectation I should be lighter.. or the idea of the expectation that I should be lighter. But I’m not, and it kind of feels embarrassing, and a little shameful. 

And at the same time, I don’t care. I wore the most comfortable clothes I could today because I knew I would be sitting a lot and I wanted to be comfortable. I didn’t try to hide it. I wanted to be okay in my skin right now. So I practiced this feeling of being okay with how I look.

I also know that where I’m at right now is temporary and I’m trying to figure out what  my diet is and taking ownership in that. While doing that I have to learn to be okay with the present moment, and the person I am right now.

Hard stuff.