Progress

Abusive asshole.

Posted on by Rachael

The person I’ve become hasn’t been someone I’ve wanted to be.

After talking with my counselor nearly two weeks ago, I uncovered this idea about how I’ve been in this abusive relationship with food, for 20 goddamn years! She encouraged me to look at abusive relationships, and break it down into categories. She sent me home with a sheet of paper that had different categories on it and what makes up an abusive relationships?

I have been wanting to explore these anyway so it was a perfect opportunity to do so. These categories are Psychological, Emotional, Physical, and the Illusion of being something different. After a few bubble baths, tears, and intense writing later I came up with a lot more than I even imagined I would.

I will first write what I discovered and conclude with the bigger picture of what came out of this exercise.

Psychologically my relationship with food has been abusive because….

  • My weight feels like i’m different from others, and not in a good way.
  • I will compare myself to others.
  • It brings out jealousy of what others have, because what others have is always better than what I have.
  • I constantly second guess myself.
  • Isolate myself from others.
  • Compares my body to others, not just weight, the whole picture.

Emotionally my relationship with food has been abusive because…

  • It makes me think negative things about myself: That I’m fat, ugly, heavy, boar.
  • The negative reel runs through my brain without permission.
  • Trained to want what others have.
  • Trained to think no one will like me unless I’m something else.
  • To feel sad or depressed, anxious.
  • Need to feel and be perfect.
  • Afraid to make mistakes.

Physically my relationship with food has been abusive because…

  • It stretches my skin.
  • Makes me feel bloated.
  • I pick my skin…
  • I have scars over my body from picking my skin.
  • History of internal damage.
  • Heartburn.
  • Stomach hurts.
  • Gas.
  • Clothes don’t fit.
  • Grind my teeth consciously and unconsciously.
  • Face hurts.
  • Shoulders hurt from tensing up.
  • Keeps me fat to disappear.
  • Punishes myself.

Illusion of what food has brought:

  • It’s great.
  • Brings light and friendship.
  • Feels safe.
  • Fills anxiety.
  • Comfortable
  • I know what to expect from it.
  • Makes me feel safe when I don’t know what else to do.
  • Becomes inviting and warm.
  • Familiar.
  • Happy.
  • Feeling of relief when eating it.

After crying in a bath of my own tears, I realized that not only are these things connected to food, but they were developed into a part of me. Into a personality trait I hadn’t expected to uncover. I have developed this twisted persona inside that was full of jealousy and judgement. I wanted to be or have what others have and if I couldn’t control it, I would react in a negative way. Coping through controlling things around me, mostly coping through food addiction. I realized this piece through re-visiting all of the past years negative interactions with my friends.

I had several friends this past year who had shared with me positive things that were happening in their lives. My reactions were less than ideal, and pretty bitchy. I pretty much almost ruined a friendship after reacting the way I did when a friend told me she was getting married. I’m actually fairly embarrassed of my behavior and after reflecting on these incidences I realized how judgmental and jealous I had acted. I wanted whatever they had. Weather it was they were getting married, or they bought a new car. I wanted the romance, I wanted the money, and I thought that it would make me happy, because it had made them happy.

The person I had become has been selfish, unhappy and overly judgmental.

I have become everything I never wanted to be. A selfish asshole, blaming others and things and really myself and body for my unhappiness.

I never thought I would or could ever be like him. I never thought that I could do that or that he would have that much of an impact on me. It wasn’t my fault. I was just a child. A child who absorbed everything. A child that didn’t have control over her surroundings, a child that didn’t have control and found a way to cope and gain some control in a world where she had none. As an adult I’ve continued this.

With that said, it’s hard to accept this dysfunctional self I created. I spent a week, laying in unhappiness, and watching tv. Letting my body melt into the couch. I came to a point of “welp, this is who I am, and have to accept it.” Using this, “lashing out at my friends” has been a coping mechanism in addition food which has been a form of punishment. Food in this case has become a pawn and used as an excuse to not improve and move forward. It is used in a way to cope, and to fulfill and ease pain, joy and used to bond with people or to hide from bonding with people.
So friends, hang in there with me. I am happy for you, just show it in really dysfunctional ways. More to come. 

I’ve made progress.

Posted on by Rachael

As I reflect back on the last year, versus any other time in my life I’ve noticed the difference in myself and my food choices. My brain, body and capabilities have made some incredible leaps. I, me!!! I have done this. I went from commitment, to practicing new ways of life and now I just do the things that I’ve practice, sometimes without a reminder to myself I need to do them. All have been in many different areas of my life.

I notice these changes in subtle ways through a variety of avenues. I’ve noticed that when I go grocery shopping I will rarely shop down the isles and actually I spend most of my time in the produce section when grocery shopping. There are the occasional things that I will go down the isles for which usually include pineapple out of a can, green beans, salsa, tortillas and sometimes crackers.

I cut calories. Cutting calories is an art form, and all though doesn’t seem very fun, is one of the things that helped me most with food. Cutting calories at most or every meal has really taught me a new way to consume and look at my food. It’s taught me that even though I want the cheese on my burger, I don’t need it, or those fries, or extra anything on anything. It’s taught me that food can still be good without the extra things. It helped with portion control.

One way I “cut calories” was with ranch. I will probably never use ranch again in the same way as I use to, if I use it at all. I say this because if you use greek yogurt and mix it with a ranch powder packet, you not only cut your calories but you are consuming something with less preservatives and with added protein. It’s a creative and tastier way to eat more veggies.

Another way I cut calories is in my coffee. I really love coffee, like a lot. As a side note I started to realize that one of the reasons why I loved coffee so much because it was the one thing I had in the day that I would stop for, and really take a moment to enjoy. Food was consumed as an afterthought in the day. With coffee I realized what I enjoyed about that moment with coffee. I loved the foam, and the dark warm aroma of a latte’. With that said, I cut my calories in half by getting non-fat milk, cut with water. The foam was still present, and I still got that cozy feeling I was after. I also switched to sugar free. I know what people say about chemicals and aspartame (and I know what I said about ranch dressing). But as a coffee lover, this was probably one of the most important changes in my “liquid” part of my diet. Liquid calories are tricky and add up rather quickly.

At first it seemed silly asking for my sf mocha, half water, half nonfat milk latte’. It doesn’t sound tasty and it’s not what people are use to hearing on the other end. I remember the first time I started asking for something different than the norm, it felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to offend anyone, or make anyone upset and after watching the movie Waiting I really didn’t want to piss anyone off for making their lives difficult.

It’s a slow process, asking for what you want in your food. It takes patience with yourself as you build strength to do it and understanding that in the long run… It’s their job. It’s their job to take your order exactly how you want it, it’s their job to serve you and they will be there even if you ask for something exactly how the menu reads. After a while it gets easier, your confidence will improve and eventually you will be able to do it and even joke with the waiter or waitress/barista about it.

In time asking for the things I want has become automatic. It took me a long time to get super creative with menus. I usually will brows it and get creative with what’s on the menu because after visiting the same establishments after a while and only eating off of the salad section of their menu gets pretty boring and makes me hate eating out. I now can eat burgers with no bun and face up hot turkey sandwiches with cheese (only eating half of the bread). I also ask for light on the sauce, brown rice, and extra veggies.

It is though sort of comical to order a burger with light mayo, no cheese, wrapped in lettuce, with a side salad and no croutons (with dressing on the side of course). The waitress kind of jokes with you, and if you visit this place often they start to recognize you. In the end it’s my body, and it’s their job to make it for me.  After all, if I’m allergic to cheese or whatever I don’t ask for, and they bring it to me anyways, I could sue their asses. 😉

Other ways that I’ve made progress are in how I talk to my friends about food.

The biggest way I’ve made progress though is how I talk to myself about food, and maybe now it’s not how I talk to myself about food directly, but how I talk to myself in response to the food I eat and my body and brain in which I have tended to put down for eating food. The last piece is something that I’m now starting to work on and struggle every day with.

Progress is made when we practice new behaviors. I only got to this point where I am through practicing new ways of living. We can only move forward if we practice and I know for myself I will only make progress in my journey through continuing to practice new ways of living. Practice and progress go hand in hand. If you are practicing new things, trying out a new recipe, adding extra veggies, or parking further from the grocery store in the parking lot you are making progress.

Next blog post, Practice, stay tuned. J