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Confession

Posted on by Rachael

I’m a fucking addict. I have codependent traits and recently they came out in different ways that I didn’t really expect.

Something that has been holding me back from my weight loss and the real picture staying on track with my food and my personal journey has been the amount of drinking I’ve indulged in lately. Actually, it’s more than just that, it’s much deeper and a little unsettling.

I have mentioned before my awkward manner, if I haven’t here is a little window into that… I am socially awkward, super introverted unless I have to be, which leaves me to be anxious and unsettled in social situations… of course this is unless i choose them myself and have some sort of investment in them.

Lately I’ve been engaging in social situations I hate, and it’s not because I want to, but because I’m being supportive of friends who want me to be there AND I want to be and like to be social (Such an oxymoron). Either way I’ve been coping with alcohol, which has been helping but not exactly in the way I am most interested.

I was using it to stay social, to numb out, to appear to be engaged, to make it through, or to listen to peoples antics. It’s something to do, to keep my mind busy while people go on and on, or to stay engaged, or to appear normal among a crowd.

Either way, it’s holding me back. It’s engaging that little coping addict inside, and feeding it in a new way. Once I picked up on this, I stopped. I stopped drinking, and using that as a crutch. What this means is that I’ve had to stop showing up to some of these things, and recognize that it’s okay. It also means that I need to be more present in the present as I’m with my friends. It also means that I need to breathe through the anxieties and the boredom.

When I say I’ve stopped drinking, i don’t mean that I’ve stopped completely. I will still have a drink, and usually it’s a beer I enjoy. It’s usually more of a mindful act and I am really careful about how and when I drink it. The mindfulness and presence I think is the key.

It also might mean that I need to branch out a little bit. Find people who’s conversation makes my spirit sing.

Progress part 2

Posted on by Rachael

I posted a while ago about the progress I’ve made with my eating disorder.

With ordering food the way I want, and the things I do less and less these days.

It’s been a while since I’ve read that post, and all though yes, I’ve made progress… In the last year, that progress has allowed me to stay complacent in my addiction issues… Lord Voldemort (See previous post), muwahahaha, has taken over and allowed me to use these progress ideas as staying intact with its evil side.

I’ve been getting better about getting out of the spiral thinking. It has taken a lot for me to call a friend, or go for a walk, write, read, make lists, make some tea, take a bath…or engage in a different activity in order to get out of it.Sometimes the dwelling takes over and I just have to wallow in it sometimes and that’s okay too. (More on the dwelling later and the importance of grieving).

I’ve been getting really good at being more honest about my food stuff with my friends, family and strangers (less likely with strangers). This has helped normalize what has been going on for me, but also has allowed my family and friends accept me for the whole person I am. I want to say that sharing my story has been much harder with strangers, but as you can see that’s not true (since I’m sharing with you).

The biggest lie I’ve been telling myself though has been… “I don’t binge like I use to”. I binge with more awareness these days, awareness of the why I do it, and when I do it and the whole time I’m doing it. I don’t zone out and I choose different foods to snack with or binge with (Mostly because I don’t keep certain foods in my house). In the end, I still do it and that is indicative of the ED (eating disorder).

The more I share also with my friends, family and strangers, the more complacent I have become with it. Somewhere and some how I have accepted it, and have made it okay to eat foods that are alluring that suck me into my ED.

So here I am with my progress… Not quite where I was, not quite where I want to be, and more growth to come… After all, it’s a journey, not a destination.

Isolation is it’s favorite form.

Posted on by Rachael

I’ve always felt like I was two people. The one who is an addict and the one who is fighting to be herself. As my eating disorder shifts again, I am reflecting on it’s direction and the nasty part of myself that I really hate to admit is there. The addict inside lours me into so many things, and sometimes when I eat things it doesn’t feel like I have a choice.

I recently met with my counselor who talked about the addictive self and how sometimes it reacts and lours you in to things with out you even realizing it’s happening. It’s an entity that takes over and strikes when you least expect.

It’s also that piece that lives inside your brain that allows us to get caught up in a spiral of negative thinking. The one that goes in circles of how bad of a person you are. The one that calls you fat. The one who says, step on the scale and see how fat you are today. The one that says, you are too fat to do anything else so go ahead, sit on that couch AGAIN today (actually, it really says, go ahead sit on that couch again today because no one likes you, or everyone is too busy to hang out with you). Or the one that allows you to make excuses for your behavior, again. Excuses like… Oh you don’t want to go to the gym with me, I guess I won’t go. It’s an enabler for unhealthy behavior. **I chose unhealthy behavior instead of bad behavior because I no longer want to stigmatize myself as bad.

It likes making sure you are alone, so it can fully take over your body. No matter how many boundaries you set up for yourself, no matter how prepared you are the sneaky addicted bastard steps in and says “I know how I can get her to come back to me”. You know how Voldemort takes over people in Harry Potter and makes people act like his puppet? Gets them to do anything he wants, and makes you his puppet!?

That’s it. The addiction, says “drink, go ahead, drink with your friends, you will have fun, it’s the only way to connect with anyone, it’s the only way to not be awkward, its the only way to fit in…” What he’s really thinking is… “If she drinks, she will eat, and in a few days that girl will be all mine again”.

LORD VOLDEMORT also says things like… “It’s CHRISTMAS!!!! Everyone else are eating cookies, go ahead, treat yourself, you’ve been so good this season” What he’s really thinking…. “Later… I will have her with a whole box of Christmas snacks on the couch, where we can be alone together.”

You are probably thinking, what the fuck? This is the best way recently I can really describe it. It builds you up, allures you in with it’s goodness, and then it isolates you, beats you down and abuses you. You get so numb that you just sit there on the couch watching TV, or crying because you don’t think you can stop. Voldemort, at that time is winning.

Unfortunately it’s been isolating me lately, and after my last counseling apt my counselor spelled out all the ways that I had made excuses and was isolating myself in the last few months in about 5 sentences. She called me out, and all I could say was “That FUCKER”, relating to the addict self.

She is helping me get “Clean” again. Cutting out all the shit that allures me in and well of course I will continue to write and see her. I will no-longer be dancing for Lord Voldemort.

**In the future I will be writing about authentic relationships, and the impact while being sucked under lord Voldemort.

 

 

They are not just words.

Posted on by Rachael

You know that saying “Sticks and stones may brake your bones, but words could never hurt me?” Does that ring a bell from your elementary and middle school days?

Well, as I’m sure you have learned by now that words… will pretty much be remembered forever. In this blog post I will not use names, but will say all of the things that I can remember that has stuck with me since I can remember. I’m sharing mostly to vent, but also to let you know, you are not alone in how it affects our mind and body in the process.

First the words, then the process…

“Boar”

“Hah”, after walking in with make up too white for my face and a new haircut.

“What smells?” “Probably Rachael”

“You need mental and physical help for your weight”

After my friend donated her old Aberocrombie and Fitch jeans, I try them on and they didn’t fit “Maybe take this as motivation”.

“You would be so pretty if you lost weight”

“Do you stuff?”

Two of these statements were stated to me by friends, two were by the same person and one by a parent. None of it was said to hurt my feelings specifically (well maybe the first two were), and they probably didn’t know I heard them say things.. Either way, it has been apart of my journey and identity to this day… Okay.. It has been apart of my identity until about 5 years ago.

As we go around in life we pick up identities that we may or not intentionally create for ourselves. One for me was fat. Not just the identity that you were fat, but that being fat was bad. Being fat was gross, unhealthy and something that no one wanted to be.

The funny part was, I wasn’t that fat. No one talked about me being different at the time, I just got this idea that I was because I was so much taller and bigger than everyone else. I was 5’10 in the 7th grade and probably a size 12-14ish. I was probably the right size for my size, and the poor naive girl that I was didn’t even know what stuffing meant.

But because I had all of these people telling me that fat, not even fat, but being big was bad, I hated myself. I isolated myself, ate out of loneliness and well, eventually I became fat and became that person they hated and I hated myself even more.

I never threw up, or starved myself, it never really appealed to me. I did though remember thinking about food a lot in high school. I remember eating soy beans and thinking that they would be a good snack to help loose weight. That’s when I found out that I was allergic to soy, beans. They made my tummy hurt so bad, which was incentive to eat more, because then I wouldn’t want to eat at all.

The past 5 years I’ve spent undoing this damage. Undoing this “I hate myself” mentality. People like me and i’m starting to embrace that, and have started to like myself as well. It has taken a lot of time, and a lot of patience with myself to get to a healthier place, but it is possible.

 

 

 

Makeup

Posted on by Rachael

Processing something else from my middle schools days I came across this revelation in my progress I wasn’t expecting. It was deeper than expected, and all though it seems like a duh thing I was so blind by its simple complexity.

I wear make up, I have ever since I can remember… okay probably middle school sometime I started wearing it. I wore it, and it became this mask I was hiding behind. I felt better when I wore it, and for some reason more confident. What I didn’t realize until most recently was that I wore it because I wanted other people to like me better.

They didn’t like me as is, I felt it and knew it. I wanted to be someone else. Makeup provided some security in that in helping me achieve that. I have believed this to be true with a lot of things that I’ve done to myself the last 25 years or so.

I’ve done this through make up, clothes I’ve worn, rapid weight loss, posessions and more. It’s sad. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to witness yourself do all those things because you wanted to be someone different because that’s what you think people want to see and experience from you.

It doesn’t leave room for yourself who is fighting hard to be itself, and when you don’t listen you suffocate your true self.

Process.

Posted on by Rachael

The reason I started this blog was to articulate that the process is the most important piece of getting on top. It is the hardest piece of it all because we are so focused on the outcomes and the weight loss and when we do that it just becomes this vicious cycle. I have been reflecting as we should in the process space, and asking myself the same questions over and over, and dwelling on the non-success part in understanding why I’m not moving forward and being successful.

I will get to the questions in a bit that I had been asking, but first I want to address the dwell. That dwelling piece is so easy to get caught in and in the past I would of not have been successful in my weight loss process because of it (one of many reasons for the past non-successes). The dwelling piece happens when I want something so badly that I dwell in it and wish for it to just happen. Usually what happens is that I end up feeling depressed and sad because this “just happen” piece doesn’t happen, and I dwell in that, for a long time. So in result, as a coping to this depression I choose food, or rather had chosen food as something to help me feel better at the time.

When you are dwelling it’s really hard to find the right questions to ask yourself, and really see the clarity in the answers to them. Actually the deeper you get in it the easier it is to move forward in your process. At this time it’s more intentional and has direction. My most consistent questions have been why am I continuing to play this game and why can’t I move forward?

After reading “It was me all along” by Andie Mitchell, and really identifying with what she had gone through, and following her to her cook book something really sparked in me. A new question was starting to form and it came out so judgmental and out of character for myself it really was connected to that “I wish it would just happen” and dwelling mentality. The question stated “Why do people who have weight loss success get obsessed with either exercise or food? Truth be told I also added, and why can’t I do it, it looks so easy? There is A LOT of jealousy in there, a lot of “I wish” and “I want” and “why can’t I”.

Going back to Andie Mitchell’s blog, to memoir, to cookbook success and introducing a documentary series I am currently watching called Cooked by Michael Pollan I really started to reformulate this question. In Cooked, Michael Pollan uses the elements air, water, fire and land as metaphors and ways to dive deeper into the history and present day use of food. The one that caught my attention and made me crrrryyy my eyes out in a section was about the element water. A woman was using a pot to add vegetables and herbs to water, followed by a big piece of meat. She talked about garlic in which she was adding it to the pot, and how YES chopping it is a mindless task but when you are cooking, and creating something it is important to turn it into a mindful task. You chop the garlic so much that you fall in love with what you are doing. She clearly had a deep understanding of the process of creating something you are passionate about. I lost it.

I’ve studied mindfulness before, and recently I’ve really tasted things, like really tasted them. In a different way I talked about mindfulness with my counselor. I don’t want to get too off topic, but I genuinely love food and the way that it tastes. Through talking to my counselor, I realized just because I loved food so much, It doesn’t mean though I need to have seconds or thirds just because I like the way that it tastes. My exploring mind tasked myself to talk about food, and explore them. When I’m eating it, talk about it, and ask myself some questions about it: What did I like about it? What does it taste like? How does it feel in my mouth? Mindfulness just took a whole other level that I wasn’t expecting.

I also started asking my boyfriend about his own eating habits. Asking, how can he leave stuff on his plate? What makes him decide its okay to leave bites on his plate? The answer doesn’t matter really, its more the understanding of differences. Also, when I ask, I am helping myself in creating it easier to talk about my food habits in which creates more of a norm to help find a deeper understanding of my own history of food.

Going back to the Cooked show, and loosing it… I just want you to know that I was crying out of happiness. I was laughing and crying at the same time. It made me think about the importance of process and adding another multi-dimensional level to my understanding of it. This helped me develop my question stronger than anticipated. The original question was “Why do people who have weight loss success get obsessed with either exercise or food?” and instead of wondering why, I asked the question “What was the process they had to go through to get there?”

As someone who admires Andie and her journey, she doesn’t share much of the process piece in her book, though does include some bits and pieces of it. One being she saw a nutritionist and a counselor being a big part of her journey. Because of her book and sharing this, I realized I couldn’t do it alone anymore, and because of the Cooked show I realized more of how the process piece was so important. People’s journey’s and processes are different, it’s never going to be the same, and there are some similar things that they do to get there. Plugging in Brene Brown again, her newest book Rising Strong talks a lot about process, and the fundamentals that goes into it and the importance of it all.

So in a new light I have a new direction and connection to myself and my journey. I don’t hate cooking, I love it. I also get caught up in time, and energy that goes into cooking. I want to get to the point where it doesn’t feel mindless, or a chore. I want it to feel intentional, comfortable and mindful. Watching cooked, and noticing how it made me feel was really inspiring. I felt connected in a way that was new to me, almost spiritual. I am not sure how to achieve that quite yet directly but I definitely want to explore the idea of it and practice new ways of cooking.

The Power of Vulnerability

Posted on by Rachael

If you haven’t read anything about vulnerability, by Brene’ Brown, you really should. She has a Ted Talk about vulnerability… actually let me just do you a favor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

Watching her years ago, and then followed by reading her book Daring Greatly, followed up by gobbling more of what she has to offer… I really learned a lot. I learned more than I was even really ready for. She taught me the importance of bringing up the hard things, because if you didn’t that they would continue to stew and bubble over. She also taught me to embrace some of my most vulnerable moments of my life. I encourage you to watch that video if you haven’t, because then you will really understand what I mean.

I held on to this and started to really make incredible strides. I am most vulnerable when talking about my body, or my food, food addiction, eating disorders and WHY. Bouncing off of my previous blog post I needed to practice talking about these things.

I had worked out, and been through several weight loss and gains. People had seen my vulnerability in that retrospect. They’ve seen me struggle. But they didn’t really know internally what was going on. People might assume “it’s so easy to lose weight, just eat sensible meals, good nutrition and work out.”.  Yes thank you, thank you for stating the obvious. Most people, all people know this. We know that is a way to lose weight.

With that said, they don’t see the inner struggle that happens. The years and years of built up habits and patterns, ridicule, positive and negative reinforcement. We have to heal our inner selves sometimes in-order to move forward, sometimes it takes longer to heal than we realize. People also might make the assumption that you are not already doing something or trying to work on these things, or that you don’t eat right.

Regardless, talking about my weight, talking about the food struggle, and my body, and all of the things about why has been one of the most vulnerable places for me to talk about. Not many people do talk about food, or weight or whatever and when they do it can be so shaming. When I do talk about it, most people cannot relate because they do not understand the cycle.

Talking about the struggle has been hard, reaching out for help was harder. One of the hardest and easiest things I had to do was normalize the conversation. I had to make it something that I was comfortable talking about. How do you do this??? PRACTICE! I always knew I struggled with food addiction/binge eating/emotional eating. On my own I went to a few OEA (over eaters anonyms) meetings when I was in my early 20’s. Once in a while I went to online ones, or reached out to people on line. I also went to a few in my mid 20’s, and saw a counselor for a while (for other things). I reached out to a friend, who I knew went to OEA and I didn’t get a response. I went to another OEA meeting by myself. Which took so much courage, and I cried when I got there because I was late, and I couldn’t get into the meeting because I didn’t know which door it was, and then after words no one reached out to me. I felt so alone, and so vulnerable for showing up. I never went to another meeting again.

And… then I reached out to my mom. I was so nervous. I was scared because I never told her of my true struggle with food before. I was 28, just about 29. Right before I started at the weight loss clinic. She was surprised and helped me find Solutions weight loss clinic.

I started really talking about it at 29. I didn’t go to another OEA meeting, because my experience wasn’t that great. But I did join some Facebook groups that were about food addiction that were really helpful apart of my journey. I was able to connect with others, talk about our experiences and move forward while losing weight at the clinic. I talked to the ladies at the weight loss clinic and partook in their weekly self reflection tools. I lost a lot of weight really fast, and I’m not saying I was successful or had failed. I just know that as a long term solution, the weight loss clinic wasn’t going to help my emotional side.

What I’ve really wanted to share with you has been my newest vulnerable topic. I have talked a lot about inclusion out loud with people, and the importance of it. I have talked about judgment, assumptions and the negative repercussions of them.  I preach it so much because of how deeply rooted my own need for self inclusion and acceptance is. I started to realize the other day how much grief and anxiety I was carrying because of my own self image and what people (may or may not) talk about.

I worry so much about gossip, and what people say, or don’t say even to me. I worry about how I interact with the world, if I offend anyone, or make them uncomfortable. I worry if people don’t like me, or if I’m not doing something right. At therapy this past week I realized how deeply I carry this, and I realized that no matter where I go, or how much I overcome my past, that my childhood may always play a part in my life, and the grief is more present than I’ve realized.

Not to bring on a pity party or anything but imagine a child from birth, always walking on eggshells because of someone else, always trying to please so that someone isn’t yelling. This piece is a whole other blog post, may even be a whole other topic even, but none the less it’s real. I grew up in this space. A developing child living in these anxieties, now in the world functioning under anxiety and this idea that people are judging her for something she may or may not be doing. This is me right now. I don’t live like this every day, or all the time even, but it sometimes prevents me from making new friends, or partaking in activities. It sucks how the past can play such a huge role in your present and future. It’s so sneaky too.

Talking about this is hard. When I first started talking about my struggles, I felt easily judged. I felt scared, and fearful of what people would say, or not say about me. Though the more I uncover about myself in this process, and share with you, the less likely you will make assumptions about me. If I’m being authentic and sharing these vulnerabilities, it leaves less room for you to make the assumptions.

I also think it’s important to turn my experience into an opportunity. An opportunity for me to grow from myself and others, an opportunity to educate others and challenge peoples assumptions. Maybe it’s also an opportunity to challenge myself and my own assumptions about food and my capabilities in this world.

Before I sign off for the day, I wanted you to know that I re-watched Brene’s Ted talk and realized why I started this self journey in the first place. When I overcome my fears, I will be living my true authentic self. I will be doing and living in a space I love every day because I will have overcome some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to overcome and put in the work to get there.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path” Brene’ Brown

“When we work from a place “I believe I’m enough”, we stop screaming and start listening; we are kinder and gentler to the people around us and ourselves.” –Brene’ Brown.

Practice.

Posted on by Rachael

Ever hear the phrase “Practice makes perfect”? Annoying right? It’s something that is really hard to hear. At least, I think it’s annoying. It reminds me of something my mom would have said when I was in middle school. I played the clarinet in band, for two years, big deal. The less I practiced, the more my mom said things like “Practice makes perfect”. Now because of that, the phrase seems like nagging. Nagging sucks, it only makes me want to practice less.

Though I have to say that practicing is the only way to get better and make progress, so unfortunately… my mom was right, love you mom.

I have always struggled with my writing. I struggle with focusing and I give partial blame to that, but a significant amount of blame has gone to my confidence. I never thought that my writing could measure up to other people and their masterpieces. I would use procrastination as an excuse not to write, turn my stuff in late and or not do it. I loved learning, just hated writing. Look at me now!

In graduate school I took a writing tutor class as an elective, for three quarters. I did this to supplement my writing and to help me write my final synthesis paper. The teacher for this class had combined psychology with writing, and had a deep understanding for people’s fear of writing. She offered something that would change my life in more ways than she could even imagine. She gave lectures every class period about different tips and tricks of writing. The one that changed my life taught me about practice.

She said that when we grow, we create neural pathways in our brain which are what we do every day when we do things over and over. They are learned behaviors. When we practice new ways of living, we create new neural pathways in our brain. The more we practice along these new neural pathways, the more likely we will continue to follow them. The old ones will always be there, but we will be less likely to follow down those pathways.  (You can google neural pathways right now and it will give you 10 ways to train your brain.)

I have been struggling with food for about 20 years or so. The earliest memories I have with my relationship with food goes back to about 9 years old. I remember being bored, so bored that I would eat to fill time, to fill comfort. Comfort from what? Comfort from loneliness probably. It was stimulation, stimulation that I needed to feel. I remember that I would often go for salty salty foods, or ones that were sweet (when we had sweet things in our house). I remember chicken noodle soup, tuna fish, and baking. I developed a lot of comfort in my relationship with food.

It takes a lot of practice to undo years and years of what the opposite is of what you are trying to accomplish. I have practiced a lot of new ways of living in order to get where I am today. Some good, some not so good, some that have made my brain crazy, some that have helped and some that haven’t helped. What we know from learning new things has been that I’ve made progress. How so? Because I’ve made an effort, I’ve put work in. I have committed to trying out new things and practicing them over and over again.

The point is, when it gets the hardest and you are at your most vulnerable, you put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward because you are worth it. You are deserving of healing. You are deserving of being healthy, and or following your dreams, no matter what those dreams are. All it takes is a little practice and eventually you will no longer be practicing.

 

I’ve made progress.

Posted on by Rachael

As I reflect back on the last year, versus any other time in my life I’ve noticed the difference in myself and my food choices. My brain, body and capabilities have made some incredible leaps. I, me!!! I have done this. I went from commitment, to practicing new ways of life and now I just do the things that I’ve practice, sometimes without a reminder to myself I need to do them. All have been in many different areas of my life.

I notice these changes in subtle ways through a variety of avenues. I’ve noticed that when I go grocery shopping I will rarely shop down the isles and actually I spend most of my time in the produce section when grocery shopping. There are the occasional things that I will go down the isles for which usually include pineapple out of a can, green beans, salsa, tortillas and sometimes crackers.

I cut calories. Cutting calories is an art form, and all though doesn’t seem very fun, is one of the things that helped me most with food. Cutting calories at most or every meal has really taught me a new way to consume and look at my food. It’s taught me that even though I want the cheese on my burger, I don’t need it, or those fries, or extra anything on anything. It’s taught me that food can still be good without the extra things. It helped with portion control.

One way I “cut calories” was with ranch. I will probably never use ranch again in the same way as I use to, if I use it at all. I say this because if you use greek yogurt and mix it with a ranch powder packet, you not only cut your calories but you are consuming something with less preservatives and with added protein. It’s a creative and tastier way to eat more veggies.

Another way I cut calories is in my coffee. I really love coffee, like a lot. As a side note I started to realize that one of the reasons why I loved coffee so much because it was the one thing I had in the day that I would stop for, and really take a moment to enjoy. Food was consumed as an afterthought in the day. With coffee I realized what I enjoyed about that moment with coffee. I loved the foam, and the dark warm aroma of a latte’. With that said, I cut my calories in half by getting non-fat milk, cut with water. The foam was still present, and I still got that cozy feeling I was after. I also switched to sugar free. I know what people say about chemicals and aspartame (and I know what I said about ranch dressing). But as a coffee lover, this was probably one of the most important changes in my “liquid” part of my diet. Liquid calories are tricky and add up rather quickly.

At first it seemed silly asking for my sf mocha, half water, half nonfat milk latte’. It doesn’t sound tasty and it’s not what people are use to hearing on the other end. I remember the first time I started asking for something different than the norm, it felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to offend anyone, or make anyone upset and after watching the movie Waiting I really didn’t want to piss anyone off for making their lives difficult.

It’s a slow process, asking for what you want in your food. It takes patience with yourself as you build strength to do it and understanding that in the long run… It’s their job. It’s their job to take your order exactly how you want it, it’s their job to serve you and they will be there even if you ask for something exactly how the menu reads. After a while it gets easier, your confidence will improve and eventually you will be able to do it and even joke with the waiter or waitress/barista about it.

In time asking for the things I want has become automatic. It took me a long time to get super creative with menus. I usually will brows it and get creative with what’s on the menu because after visiting the same establishments after a while and only eating off of the salad section of their menu gets pretty boring and makes me hate eating out. I now can eat burgers with no bun and face up hot turkey sandwiches with cheese (only eating half of the bread). I also ask for light on the sauce, brown rice, and extra veggies.

It is though sort of comical to order a burger with light mayo, no cheese, wrapped in lettuce, with a side salad and no croutons (with dressing on the side of course). The waitress kind of jokes with you, and if you visit this place often they start to recognize you. In the end it’s my body, and it’s their job to make it for me.  After all, if I’m allergic to cheese or whatever I don’t ask for, and they bring it to me anyways, I could sue their asses. 😉

Other ways that I’ve made progress are in how I talk to my friends about food.

The biggest way I’ve made progress though is how I talk to myself about food, and maybe now it’s not how I talk to myself about food directly, but how I talk to myself in response to the food I eat and my body and brain in which I have tended to put down for eating food. The last piece is something that I’m now starting to work on and struggle every day with.

Progress is made when we practice new behaviors. I only got to this point where I am through practicing new ways of living. We can only move forward if we practice and I know for myself I will only make progress in my journey through continuing to practice new ways of living. Practice and progress go hand in hand. If you are practicing new things, trying out a new recipe, adding extra veggies, or parking further from the grocery store in the parking lot you are making progress.

Next blog post, Practice, stay tuned. J

She is still me.

Posted on by Rachael

I was going to write a blog post titled “I am not going to be that girl”. Meaning, I looked at an old picture of myself in full disgust of what I use to weigh, look liked and exuberated into the world. I looked gross, greasy, falling out of my clothes and sick. I wanted to write about how I saw a picture of myself in a time where I was sitting on the couch staring at my computer, being lazy. I looked at the picture and started walking around and jogging in place to up my fitbit steps. I did it because I didn’t want to continue being fat anymore.

Now I’ve already written about how critical my personal inner monologue can be, so you are probably catching on to what happened there. It wasn’t until days later, probably a week after I wrote that statement that I realized what I had done to myself. That is still me I’m talking about, right? So why wouldn’t I treat myself better?

That girl in the photo I was looking at, yes she was heavy and she may have looked hot and uncomfortable from it being summer. When people see me, they see the fat girl, I know this. It’s fairly obvious from my experience. In the long run though, she is still me. She is so much more than just fat:  She loves people, loves animals, helping, painting, music, nature, hiking, camping, her friends, flowers, cooking, shopping and so much more. Why punish myself with harsh words, it only re-enforces that I should stay there.

I know that I am really hard on myself, I have always known this. The self hatred runs deep in my veins, so deep that I use to hit myself with books in high-school. Once, In middle school once I was running late for school, I missed the bus, I held a butter knife to my wrist in hopes it would do something (I couldn’t ever really get up the courage to actually cut myself, I mean I used a butter knife). It was the only moment in life I actually thought dying would be better at this moment than calling my mom who worked so far away from home to tell her that I missed the bus to school. Maybe I missed it intentionally, I hated school. I got made fun of, a lot only reinforcing that me, myself is gross, fat and ugly.

My drug of choice, and self harm of choice was using food and well I haven’t really told a lot of people this, but picking. Picking is not something I’m ready to talk about yet though.

Mom if this is the first time you are reading or learning about myself hatred at such a young age, I am sorry you have to have found out this way. You didn’t fail as a parent; I didn’t fail as a child. I just didn’t tell you, I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to have to carry another burden.

Living in this kind of fear is a learned a behavior. It’s learning from a young age that I am not worthy of loving myself, learning that I am fat and ugly. So in my battle of weight loss over the years, every time I got to a point where I’ve “Lost enough weight” that people would notice, I would reinforce those old and new voices that people implanted in my brain. That’s all you are ever going to be girl, so accept it. Those inner voices again, sneaking in, seem to be a pattern, awesome.

So it’s not that I’m not going to be that girl again… I want to learn to celebrate her and the progress she has made in and out on her journey.  Learning how is one thing, doing it day after day is another. There is more to say, though at this time I am unsure how, and what the lessons are. What I do know that my eating and foods are completely separate than what is actually happening. This is the first time I’ve looked at it from this angle. This is progress, it is a good thing. It still sucks, and what is to come won’t be easy, but it will come in time. I do know though, that I am going to be okay.